You’re Not Too Much: Understanding Emotional Unavailability

You’ve done the work. You’re showing up differently—setting boundaries, regulating your emotions, communicating more clearly. But things still feel tense. Or worse.

At Partners in Resiliency, we specialize in helping individuals and couples untangle painful patterns of emotional disconnection. If your partner shuts down when you’re vulnerable, it may feel like you’re walking on eggshells just to stay connected.

Let’s look at what’s really going on.

Prefer reading? Read the full blog here.

• You share that you’re upset—and get silence instead of empathy.

• You ask for space—and are accused of being cold or “making them the bad guy.”

• You express stress—and they get distracted, defensive, or walk away.

And perhaps the most painful part? You start to question yourself:

“Am I too emotional? Am I overreacting? Am I the problem?”

Important Note: While this article uses gendered examples for ease of reading, these dynamics can occur in anyrelationship, regardless of gender identity or orientation. In some couples, roles are reversed—one partner may express emotion more freely while the other shuts down.

Healing from sexual trauma is a deeply personal journey, and sometimes we develop ways to cope that feel helpful in the moment but may actually hold us back over time. Here are some common patterns many have experienced that could make healing more challenging:

• Taking a Break from Intimacy: It’s okay to need space, but long-term avoidance might keep old wounds from healing fully.
• Putting Feelings on the Back Burner: Sometimes emotions feel overwhelming, and it’s natural to want to push them aside—but gently acknowledging them can open the door to growth.
• Using Sex to Numb or Distract: Seeking comfort is natural, though using sexual activity as a way to escape pain may make recovery harder.
• Withdrawing from Loved Ones: Wanting to handle things alone is understandable, but leaning on supportive people can provide vital strength.
• Neglecting Your Own Needs: Putting yourself last might seem like the easier path, but honoring your needs is essential for healing.
• Relying Only on Medication: Medicine can be helpful, yet pairing it with other forms of care often leads to the best outcomes.

Remember, these are just parts of the process many experience, and recognizing them is the first step toward more gentle, effective healing.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we often see a common dynamic between partners:

• One becomes overwhelmed and expressive—the pursuer.

• The other withdraws, shuts down, or becomes overly logical—the withdrawer.

This isn’t a sign of dysfunction. Instead, it’s a predictable attachment pattern. However, when there’s no awareness or support, it turns into a painful loop. Both partners feel hurt, misunderstood, and emotionally unsafe.

Often Looks Like..

One client shared that they were raised to be independent and self-reliant. Big emotions weren’t welcome in their household. As a result, when they feel vulnerable in their adult relationship, those emotions come on strong—and their partner hears it as criticism.

Here’s what happens:

• One partner says, “I’m overwhelmed.”

• The other responds, “You should’ve told me sooner.”

• A boundary is set—but it’s interpreted as rejection.

This misalignment leads to protest, defensiveness, and deepening emotional disconnection.

What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface?

Emotional unavailability isn’t about not caring. Rather, it’s often a reflection of internal struggles that make closeness feel unsafe:

Shame Triggers

Your vulnerability can trigger feelings of failure in your partner. To protect themselves, they shut down.

Logic as Protection

Instead of tuning into your feelings, they try to solve them with logic. This makes you feel corrected, not connected.

Emotional Skill Deficit

Many people were never taught how to respond to emotional needs. They grew up learning how to perform, not how to connect.

Attachment Activation

You want closeness. They want to avoid blame. But the more you pursue, the more they pull away—making both partners feel insecure.

The Truth: You’re Not Too Emotional—You’re Alone in It

You’re not “too much.” You’re just carrying too much alone.

In emotionally imbalanced partnerships, one partner becomes:

• The processor

• The translator

• The initiator

• The explainer

That emotional labor takes a toll—especially when your needs are met with withdrawal or silence.

The truth is: Your feelings aren’t too intense. They’re too unattended.

This is about unmet needs—for responsiveness, reassurance, and emotional repair.

Name the pattern gently:

“When I get emotional and you shut down, I feel alone. I know you’re trying to stay calm, but what I really need is connection.”

Use “I” language to reduce shame triggers:

“I felt hurt when I didn’t get a response. I’m not saying you did something wrong—I just want us to feel closer.”

Hold your boundaries without apology:
You’re allowed to say what you need—even if it’s uncomfortable for someone else.

In the long term:

Couples therapy (especially EFT) can help you both recognize and change the cycle together.
Individual therapy can help you regain emotional confidence and clarity.

Growth can be disruptive. It shakes up old patterns. But that’s not a bad thing—it means you’re creating space for change.

If your partner shuts down when you speak up, it doesn’t mean you’re too much.

It may mean they don’t yet have the tools to meet you there.

💬 Ready to stop second-guessing yourself and start healing?

At Partners in Resiliency, we offer individual and couples therapy to help people like you navigate emotional disconnection, attachment injuries, and relational repair.

This blog post is intended for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical, psychological, or professional advice. The content provided should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis, treatment, or consultation with a qualified healthcare provider. If you or someone you know is experiencing trauma or mental health concerns, please seek help from a licensed healthcare professional.