Talking Back to the Algorithm
Dear TikTok, Please Stop Weaponizing Attachment Theory
(A Therapist’s Weekly Love Letter to the Internet)
This week I’m doing something I swore I wouldn’t: I’m arguing with an algorithm. Specifically, I’m talking back to the part of TikTok that thinks “attachment theory” explains everything—from bad texting habits to why your third date ghosted you after sharing his Enneagram type.
It doesn’t. And I say this with love, as someone who deeply respects the power of real therapy (and has the student loans to prove it).
📺 Watch the 60-Second Video Breakdown
If you’ve ever been labeled “avoidant” just for needing space—or called “anxious” for asking for connection—this might reframe everything.
📹 Press play below to watch:
5 Myths TikTok Gets Wrong About Attachment Theory
Myth #1: Attachment Theory Explains Everything
So welcome to the first in what may become a weekly series of gentle-yet-firm letters to the mental health misinformation machine.
This isn’t about shaming content creators—it’s about calling us, as professionals, to think critically about the simplified theories we’ve handed over to the masses like Costco samples of emotional language.
Attachment theory isn’t the whole story. It’s a framework. A useful one. But treating it like gospel flattens the complexity of relationships and turns it into pop-psychology clickbait. As neuroscientist Dr. Patricia Pivrticka writes, “Attachment theory was never designed to explain every facet of adult relationships” (Pivrticka, 2022). Yet on TikTok, it’s often treated as the entire diagnostic manual for why someone texts back too slowly.
Myth #2: You Don’t Need Differentiation
The Holy Grail of Couple’s Content is almost always attachment theory. But there’s a missing half.
Attachment, in short, is about how we connect:
Am I loved? Am I safe? Do I matter to you?
But differentiation asks:
Who am I when I’m not just mirroring your expectations or reacting to your moods?
Both are essential. Focusing only on attachment without differentiation leaves people stuck in reactive cycles, confusing fusion for intimacy or distance for self-protection.
Myth #3: These Models Apply to Every Culture
This is where the narrative really falls apart.
TikTok ignores the fact that attachment theory is rooted in Western, individualistic, psychology-heavy culture. We define intimacy as emotional disclosure. We think autonomy is sacred. We measure relational health by how well someone can name and share their feelings—ideally in therapy-approved language.
But in many cultures—especially collectivist, immigrant, and historically communal ones—intimacy doesn’t look like that.
It’s not about verbal vulnerability or radical independence.
It’s about loyalty. Practical care. Shared identity.
Silence can be connection. Proximity can mean more than disclosure.
Myth #4: If Someone’s Different, They’re Dysfunctional
This is where therapy (and TikTok therapy in particular) can unintentionally become erasure.
In cultural contexts where family input, loyalty, and shared decision-making are valued, our Western ideals of “find yourself” or “be your authentic individual self” can sound less like healing—and more like abandonment.
- A man who doesn’t cry in front of his wife isn’t necessarily “emotionally avoidant.”
- A woman who relies on extended family before making a decision isn’t “enmeshed.”
They may simply be living in a relational world with a different map. And that map isn’t less evolved. It’s just… not Western.
Myth #5: Therapy Is About Certainty, Not Humility
We hold both truths.
Attachment and differentiation are essential to understanding human connection—but only when viewed through a cultural lens that honors the diversity of human experience.
And as therapists, we need to hold our theories with humility, not certainty.
That means:
- Making room for complexity.
- Noticing when we’re using fancy words to defend our own comfort zones.
- Asking better questions before handing out labels.
Until Next Time...
So, TikTok—thanks for starting the conversation.
But let’s not end it with a diagnosis based on someone’s texting habits.
More next week, when I tackle:
“Healing Isn’t a Personality Trait, and Other Things I Wish You’d Stop Putting in Your Bio.”
Warmly (and with a deep exhale),
A therapist who believes nuance is sexy
P.S.
If you’re looking for real, thoughtful therapy that honors your culture, context, and complexity, check out Partners in Resiliency. We help individuals and couples move beyond surface-level advice toward real change—with humor, humility, and heart.
